3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
