walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
