she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
