You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
