I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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