he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
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all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
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When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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