happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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