I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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