As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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