you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
two words...techno handjob
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
