UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
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is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
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They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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