$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
