I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
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having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
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time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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