so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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