Non-Jews are for practice
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
