A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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