there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
