i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We left an ass print on the piano.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
