I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
