Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan