im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I need to wash the frat house off of me