There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
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