Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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