It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
