i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
