Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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