i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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