Texts From Last Night

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  (424): View more from California

  It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.

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  (424): It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection. http://tfl.nu/sw7e
  Replies (2) Good night (804) Bad night (1106)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.

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  (206): This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it. http://tfl.nu/dmrx
  Replies (13) Good night (1831) Bad night (508)
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy

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  (318): i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy http://tfl.nu/15j4
  Replies (26) Good night (1383) Bad night (623)
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".

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  (705): You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this". http://tfl.nu/puns
  Replies (39) Good night (8364) Bad night (811)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.

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  (410): she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night. http://tfl.nu/m7fi
  Replies (5) Good night (2504) Bad night (1032)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??

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  (717): at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea?? http://tfl.nu/j9re
  Replies (9) Good night (2236) Bad night (1072)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.

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  (970): There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know. http://tfl.nu/bv2v
  Replies (10) Good night (4409) Bad night (791)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.

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  (610): Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions. http://tfl.nu/3hq7
  Replies (6) Good night (1746) Bad night (958)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.

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  (813): I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said. http://tfl.nu/j7o9
  Replies (7) Good night (744) Bad night (1928)
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  (940): View more from Texas

  Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers

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  (940): Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers http://tfl.nu/bomc
  Replies (14) Good night (4073) Bad night (866)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.

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  (202): Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head. http://tfl.nu/ntvr
  Replies (3) Good night (728) Bad night (247)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.

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  (+44): no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day. http://tfl.nu/lzsp
  Replies (3) Good night (523) Bad night (381)
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  (315): View more from New York

  I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.

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  (315): I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint. http://tfl.nu/31gg
  Replies (4) Good night (434) Bad night (243)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now

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  (850): If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now http://tfl.nu/v3ja
  Replies (1) Good night (468) Bad night (214)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off

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  (401): i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off http://tfl.nu/b0hl
  Replies (2) Good night (530) Bad night (297)

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