my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
