I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Let's paint friendship bongs
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
