Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
