I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
