she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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