And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
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I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
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But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?