The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Did I show you my penis last night?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.