She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
