Your face is a jimmy john
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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