You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
