just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
