Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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