My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
