Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
