apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
