so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
