I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
