I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
