Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Drunk is not a location!
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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