Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Found your dick twin last night
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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