I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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