I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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