Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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