I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
