Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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