How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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