you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
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NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
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You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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