My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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