Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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