When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
