we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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