I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Couch. On fire.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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