Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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