Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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