so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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