You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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