Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
