we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
